Language leaps and bounds

It seems that all of a sudden, Jenna's vocabulary is growing exponentially. She does a whole lot of jabbering, and a lot of what she says is undecipherable, but she is definitely trying to repeat many more words. She still either resists saying 'Mama', or it just comes out with a 'da' or a 'ga' sound. She understands a lot of what we say to her, and if we ask her where something is (such as our belly buttons, her bee mobile, specific toys, the dogs, or her tongue) she responds correctly every time.

She loves reading her books. We read the same three favorite books about a dozen times each every day! One of her books has flaps with pictures. For the longest time, she's been so focused on opening every single flap and then turning the pages as quickly as possible. Then she started taking the time to point out the ladybugs. Now, she can find the sun, the dog, the stars, and a few other things.

She also recognizes and verbalizes her words for airplane, bird (she giggles like crazy at birds!), and tree. She's even doing a lot more pointing and saying 'da!' at different things. Before having this empty slate to teach, I never really thought about how much there is to learn. Everything we look at has a name, a color, a texture, sometimes a sound.... Now it seems like there isn't enough time in the day to satisfy Jenna's curiosity about everything around her.

To wrap it up in a neat little package: Jenna is an incredible kid. My love for her grows every single day. I thought she was fantastic when she was a tiny little baby, but this just keeps getting better. She's fun to be around and I'm proud to be related to her. It's a bummer that she goes to bed so early at night, but I look forward to waking up every day to see her.

Progress

We picked up our first batch of siding this weekend, and Frank has started installing it! This is such an exciting step. Our house is looking more and more on the outside like a home than just a never-ending construction project. The color - Ivy Green - is darker than I was expecting, but I love it. Frank originally wanted a light beige, I was leaning more towards the darker blue-grey. We agreed on a light grey, but when Frank went to order it, he had a last-minute change of heart. He thought it would be too light with our white trim, so he suggested the Ivy Green. I supported that change immediately!

Since the picture was taken, he's finished the section around the round-top window. It's beautiful. I can't wait to see what it looks like when I come home tomorrow afternoon!

He's been working so incredibly hard on the house lately. He's either working on window trim, the siding, the soffits, chainsawing/chopping wood, anything to keep making progress. He starts working by about 8:30 every morning, and doesn't stop till about 10:00 at night.

From time to time, I think about the things I wish he did differently or how I wish he was more like someone else's husband or whatever. I just need to knock this off. If he was as critical of me as I often am of him, I would be devastated.
I am lucky to have such a hardworking man who loves me and absolutely adores our daughter. Sure, there may be room for improvement, but who couldn't make themselves better? I married him for the man he is, not the man I could mold him into. He is a very good and decent man. I am grateful for what I have.

Snoring

Our dogs have a problem with snoring. Actually, we have a problem with their snoring. I don't know if it's all that extra Labrador skin around their necks that impedes clear breathing when they curl up for a snooze or what. Lucy more so than Niagra. And Lucy is a sound sleeper. Usually Frank can snap his fingers to get her attention and wake her up. Occasionally we have to quietly coax her out of her REM sleep by saying, "Lucy - wanna get it?" or "Lucy, bring it!" or some other phrase that brings sheer joy to her when she's awake.

The other day, Frank and I were napping (one of the most lovely summer afternoon treats!). I woke up first, as I usually do. I love this time - when the dogs, my husband, and my daughter are all sleeping. I just laid there in Frank's arms relishing the peacefulness. He was sleeping so soundly. They all were. I was watching Frank sleep, his jaw slack as he was mouth-breathing very deep breaths. Then he started snoring. Quietly at first, gradually getting louder. He snapped his fingers, and I giggled. In a groggy voice he hissed, "Lucy!"

I whispered, "Why did you say 'Lucy'?"

"Because she was snoring."

"That was you!"

"..."

He tried to make sense of this in his half-asleep brain. I just thought it was cute that he couldn't tell his sounds from the dog's.

The injustice of trying to live green

The last time I was out of town and shopped at Whole Foods, I picked up a couple of their canvas bags. I was sick of the never-ending crinkling mass of plastic bags that rolled around my kitchen like tumbleweeds. And I had that guilty pull at my soul, you know the one where you realize that it's up to YOU to do something to help the environment? Yep, that was a biggie.

I've been shopping with them for a while now. I haven't used a plastic bag since, and I love it. I feel good about it, and I was relishing the 10 cent discount I got every time I bought groceries at Fred Meyer. I noticed a few weeks ago that they started selling their own small canvas bags for a dollar. What a great idea, and I was thrilled that they were selling so quickly. Oddly, I've never seen a shopper actually using the bags, but I'm sure they must.

So as I started the checkout at the U-Scan on Tuesday, my routine was the same. I entered the code for the bag refund, and started scanning and bagging my items one by... WTF?? My 10-cent credit was reversed! I finished my scanning and then asked the young man who was manning the U-Scan station. He told me that they don't do the refund any more. I asked, "Oh really? When did that start?"

"Ever since they started selling the Fred Meyer canvas bags, a few months ago," he said.

"But I shop here or at the other store almost every day, and I've always gotten the refund... even as recently as yesterday!"

"Hmmm... that's bad."

"So let me get this right. I can't get the refund any more because my bag doesn't say Fred Meyer on it?"

"Uh huh. The only way to get the discount is to use the Fred Meyer canvas bag, or to reuse the Fred Meyer paper or plastic bags."

"That's lame. So totally lame."

"Yeah."

I was so aggravated and disappointed at that point, I was ready to get out of the store. One of my fellow U-Scanners came up to me and told me I should talk to the store manager about it. I kind of laughed at her, saying that I knew it wouldn't do any good. She said, "It might."

I left the store, did a couple of other errands, and I still couldn't stop thinking about this. So I went back to the store. I asked to speak to the store manager, and was told that he was out of the store till Thursday. I am going to go in and talk to the manager this afternoon. Not that I actually expect anything to change, but I don't want to let this go without a fight.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

UPDATE:
I was told that the store manager hadn't shown up for work today. Awesome. At least the customer service clerk offered to summon over the assistant manager to talk with me. I explained everything to him, and he wasn't even clear on what the store policy is. After conferring with the operations manager, he said that on a corporate level the refund is being discontinued. But on the local level, the stores will continue to offer the refund. He apologized very sincerely, and assured me that the checkout staff would be given correct information. I left the store feeling good. I'm glad I voiced my concerns, and I'm proud of myself for doing something instead of just grumbling to myself.

Midnight Sun Run recap

I was so excited all day Saturday. We all woke up early, at least earlier than we usually do on weekends. We brought Jenna into bed with us when she woke up, and she got so very close to dozing off. But that's not something she's likely to ever do when there's a possibility of playing instead!

Finally, Frank and I relented and we got up and got ready. We headed into town for breakfast, then we drove out to Eielson Air Force Base for their annual open house. We got to walk through the mid-air refueling planes, looked into a B-1, and walked through a huge cargo plane. There was an incredible demonstration by four F-16s, complete with distant 'explosions'! It was such a fun outing, even the machine gun-toting soldiers at the entry to the tarmac as they waved the metal-detector wands over everyone were friendly.

We went home and decided to take a nap to rest up for the late night ahead of us. When we woke up, we felt rested, and I was getting so excited for the race! Jenna had her dinner, then a bath, and got into her pajamas (I figured she'd sleep through the race and would just slide into her crib when we returned home around midnight). I started getting nervous on our drive to town. I haven't run since before I was pregnant, although we do walk as a family every day. I knew I could do the distance, but I wanted to do it quickly, despite not being in good enough shape. At the start area, I went near the back of the pack, not wanting to get in anyone's way with the stroller. That turned out to be a big mistake. There were so many people walking, that it was two miles into the race before I could get around enough people to have some breathing room. By this point, I had unbuckled Jenna in the stroller. Twice she had twisted her body and gotten stuck on her tummy with the belt up under her arms. Since the stroller has a huge flat area and the secure screen covering, I wasn't worried about her getting hurt. She was thrilled with the freedom! She stood and looked at me, she practiced her headstands (even with a foot up in the air!), she reclined and played with toys, and then she'd sit nicely and watch the crowds cheer us as we passed by.

I ran the next four miles and felt great. I wasn't speedy, and it was hard. I've never run while pushing a kid in a stroller, so I got a much better workout than I was hoping for! I felt great at the end, definitely proud of what I had accomplished.

Jenna went right to sleep when we got home, she's such a good girl. Frank and I showered, ate a snack, and watched a fascinating show on PBS about an archeology dig for an ancient marsupial hunter in Australia. We had no idea that we missed such interesting shows wasting so much time sleeping!

My quadriceps were a little tight on Sunday, they were squealing yesterday, and they're finally getting better today. I'm looking forward to running again, I just need to figure out a schedule that I can stick to.

I've kept my water intake up, which is a huge accomplishment for me. It turns out that I actually like the taste of water when I squeeze in a few drops of lime juice. I've been avoiding the crap snacks (no potato chips!) in favor of fruit, popcorn, and more vegetables.

Readying for a nap together on the couch

As we watched, with stupefied looks on our faces, the nonsense that is Passions.

"Why do people even watch this soap opera crap?"

"I'm not really sure..."

Scene changes from a miniature man doing some goofy dance while some kind of animated demons fly around the screen to a scene with the masked half-man, half-woman character.

"I mean, I'm not at all emotionally attached to any of these characters."

Ah good. Commercial break. And an ad for tonight's episode of Age of Love.

"Not that I'm attached to any of these people either."

"Yeah, but the people on the soap are getting paid to pretend. These people are..."

"Being idiots for free?"

"Yep, that's it."

Our house

Here in Fairbanks, just about anything goes. As long as you're out of the city limits - which is about a 3-mile radius surrounding the Springhill Suites at the heart of downtown - you don't have to follow building code. At. All.

So! Five years ago, we bought a lovely 1.8 acre lot in the highly-coveted hills which are cool in summer, and toasty warm in winter (thanks to the inversion: the colder it is at lower elevations, the warmer it is at our house. In town, it can get down to about -55 in the worst of winter, but we didn't see colder than 25 below.). We're about a 15-minute drive into town, which was absolutely nothing to me when I moved here. But things are so relative, that now driving the 10 minutes from one end of town to another gets me all huffy and impatient if I have to stop for BOTH stoplights. Kidding. There are many more stoplights. But I definitely do get aggravated by the traffic.

We found a houseplan on ePlans, made some modifications to it, and decided to build it. Ourselves. Which doesn't mean we picked the contractors and bossed them around. Nosirree. It meant that we cut the trees where we wanted the driveway and the house site. The Dirt Work guys came in (since the one thing we lacked was heavy machinery) and grubbed these swathes, prepared a nice driveway, dug the hole in the ground for a level foundation, installed the septic, buried the water and fuel tanks... and left.

We blocked out the footer, and had concrete pumped in. We had a load of concrete blocks delivered. About 500, if I remember correctly. One by one, we carried these blocks from the offload pile down to the footer, and began building up the foundation. Since we both work full-time, construction is limited to evenings, weekends, and spare summer time when Frank was off contract. We didn't work through the coldest of winter. There's just no way that anything productive could be done at 20 below. One winter day, though, I drove up just to take a look at the property. As I approached our lot, I saw something that nearly caused me to drive off the road. The two lots adjacent to ours were for sale. The owners decided not to build here, and didn't want to hold onto the lots. We bought them as soon as we could. We now have nearly six acres of birch, poplar, and spruce trees, and no too-close neighbors looking into our yard.

When we ran out of concrete blocks, I started hauling them in my truck, about 20 at a time. We ended up using nearly 650 of them. We mixed the concrete, gravel, sand, and lime when it was time to fill the blocks for a solid foundation. This was completed in the cool fall rain, the second summer.

I had no clue what I had gotten myself into. None. After working my butt off doing things I never imagined I'd do, including assembling and installing a foundation drainpipe, tarring and putting up a plastic moisture barrier all around the foundation, I basically checked out. To this point, that was the hardest work with the smallest return. Frank pretty much took over from here.

Frank built the subfloor and framed the walls for the first and second floors while I worked with a framing company to have our trusses designed and built. When they delivered the trusses and the full-length beam, my eyes turned into saucers again. The beam was graciously installed with the crane, since there's no way we could ever have lifted the massive thing. The trusses, however, were placed by us. Frank perched on the beam, and I ooched my height-fearing self along the top of the framed walls. Then, Frank carried on essentially alone. I can't even itemize everything he did. He did all the electrical, plumbing, and insulation work. He put up the vapor barrier, installed our beautiful custom windows, and put up the drywall. He mudded it, sanded it, and textured it. He installed our tile floors, built our custom tile shower, designed and built our staircase. We had carpet installed in our upstairs living areas and in Jenna's bedroom. We painted the interior together.

Now, there are few things left to do. The siding will arrive this week, and we will install it ourselves. We also have window trim and baseboard trim to complete. Our garage slab has been poured, and we will begin construction on it later in summer.

Next year we'll do exterior landscaping. But until then, this is just about as close to a dream house as I can imagine. Of all the frustrations that come with a project this size, there is nothing so rewarding and heartwarming as living in a house that is exactly the way we've wanted it. We've had some doozies of arguments, but we've stuck together, and are so happy to have our little family in our home.

Cutting the cord

My little girl is not a baby anymore. Yesterday was the day Jenna decided to wean herself. She had stopped nursing at bedtime about a week ago, so I've been expecting this day to come.

It's definitely bittersweet. I loved breastfeeding my child, and I am so lucky that I was able to do it as long as I did. It certainly doesn't feel like it's been 13 months. I can still vividly remember my clumsy first attempts at nursing. It was awkward, it felt strange, and it was hard to do. It was actually a bit frustrating too, since I heard more than one mother say how easy nursing is and that they couldn't understand new moms who didn't get the hang of it right away. I pushed those comments aside, and Jenna and I stuck with it, learning together.

Before too long Jenna and I were doing great. Every now and then, the thought that my body was continuing to provide my daughter the nourishment to keep her alive and help her grow would just take my breath away. I never minded getting up with her in the night, and the day that my milk production was finally in sync with Jenna's daily intake, I was thrilled. No more leaking! No more nursing pads!

I had been a bit weary of this final weaning day, wondering how much discomfort I'd feel, waiting for my body to absorb the unneeded milk. I think this gradual reduction in the quantity and frequency of feedings has helped. I am not engorged, just mildly aware of the minor chest swelling.

I am so excited that Jenna is becoming more independent. She's such a fun kid, and I'm relishing every leap she makes. I will always keep warm the wonderful memories of her as a newborn, but we have closed the door on Infant, and we're Frankenstein stepping into Toddlerhood.

Getting healthy

Doesn't it always happen this way. The straw-that-breaks-the-camel's-back that I need to convince me to do something happens when I'm least anticipating it. Yesterday, I was reading All & Sundry, and I determined right then and there to start making some life changes. Since Jenna was born, I've been lucky. I've lost all the weight I gained (and then some), I fit into all of my regular clothes, and breastfeeding has allowed me eat ridiculous amounts of food (I often eat more than my husband). I basically look like I did before. But I'm not nearly as healthy. Throughout my pregnancy I ate healthy meals and I exercised Every Single Day.

I don't like seeing myself in photos. I either avoid being in pictures, or I've deleted the ones where my faults aren't hidden. I want to get to the point where I don't feel disappointed with the looks of my chin/neck, upper arms, belly, and legs. Some parts of my body are just going to be the way they are, and to a certain degree I need to let go of the distorted image I have of myself. Over the years, I've improved significantly, but the eating disorder still has its bony fingers wrapped around my shoulders, whispering evil things in my ear when I look in the mirror. But I want to see what I can do to improve my body composition, and maybe I'll end up happier with how the parts look.

So yesterday I made some changes. Small, yes, but they're changes that I can stick with:

• I walk every day, but yesterday we walked faster. Today we're going to walk fast AND take a longer route.
• I drank three glasses of water. Usually I drink no water. None. I have two mugs of tea in the morning, and a glass of juice or tea at dinner. That's it. It's absolutely awful, and I know it needs to change. So three glasses went down just fine. Today I will at least do the same.
• I want nice abs. Today I started doing crunches. Just now I did 20. Holy mother that was hard. Baby steps, though. I like the way the soreness feels, and I'm going to do a few more sets tonight.

That's it for now. I will add in some workout tapes and healthier snacks (this afternoon I did put the bag of chips back in favor of a feast of baby carrots!) once I feel confident that I will stay committed to them.

The big girl

Finally, little Jenna weighs enough for her new carseat! We took a quick trip to the doctor for a weight check on our way home yesterday afternoon, and she was officially 20 pounds 6 ounces. I think I'll change the seats today or tomorrow. For sure by Saturday night, since the three of us are running/strolling in the Midnight Sun Run. We'll have to park one car at the beginning of the course and one at the end. We'll put the baby girl seat in Frank's car so we can get home quickly, since we'll probably be exhausted. It's such a fun event, but we're usually getting ready for bed at 10 pm, not going to exercise!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I love my digital camera. I take pictures just about every day, mostly of Jenna. I've discovered it's a great way for me to remember the little things that I would probably forgot with time. Her incremental changes seem to happen virtually unnoticed... until one day I realize that something she used to do all the time is just gone. At least I've got the photos and videos to remember it by.

The one thing that really frustrates me about the camera is the shutter lag. When I push the button, I'd like the picture taken at that moment... not seconds later. On very rare occasions, however, the delay somehow works in my favor. Like this morning, Jenna was holding a couple of cookies at school. I thought I was getting a picture of that, yet I was surprised by the image of the mid-air cookie as it tumbled to the ground! No way I could have planned for that to happen!

Weekend wrap-up

After seemingly endless days of rain, we had a beautiful weekend in Fairbanks. Saturday morning, we went into town for breakfast, where A ate well and devoured her pancakes with gusto! As we were leaving the diner, we heard the rumble of some Harleys going past the restaurant. They just kept coming, so we hurried over to the sidewalk to watch. They honked and waved at us as they went by, and A loved it! We watched probably over a hundred bikes go by, and it was great!

Then we took care of some other errands in town, including a stop at an antique sale on our way home. Oh, the lovely things these women had! I would have loved to take home so much more, but I was thrilled with our two new items. One is a little cradle that A can use for her toys and dolls. The other great find is an old wash tub. Its legs are a bit rusty, but it will be perfect for holding a pot of flowers outside!

Sunday was another fabulous day. A slept in, and was so cute when I got her out of her crib. She was still a sleepyhead, so I thought perhaps this would be the day that she'd go back to sleep in our bed. Nope. As usual, she was thrilled to be in between us, and loved the opportunity to look for our belly buttons and play peek-a-boo!

We had breakfast at a favorite restaurant right on the river. We enjoyed the food, watched other families, and saw two sternwheeler riverboats. Then we headed up to the botanical gardens, in keeping with our Father's Day tradition. The flowers were gorgeous, and A walked everywhere like such a big girl. No crawling at all! She stopped a couple times to pick up some rocks, and she happily carried them for the whole visit.

We were finally heading home, but decided to take a drive north. A was taking a good nap, so this option also let her keep on sleeping. In the five years I've lived here, I've never been more than about 10 miles north of our home. The road going north goes very quickly from rural civilization to wild open areas. This is the road that goes up to the north slope, so very often we see big semi trucks transporting vehicles, fuel, or equipment for the oil production facilities. The road today was virtually empty, save for a lone bicyclist. We stopped to watch a mama moose and her new calf eating the tender grasses growing in the roadside marsh.

It was a really wonderful weekend. Summer in Fairbanks at its best.

Gossip

What is it about gossip that is so delicious? Is it the fact that you have the opportunity to be In The Know about something that's really not your business? Or is it that we just really like talking about other people behind their backs? I usually try not to participate. If I hear gossip coming around that I already knew from a private matter, I just pretend that it's news to me. Part of me wishes that I would take a strong stand and assert my desire to not be involved in the gossip. Yet the weaker, easier solution is to listen, eagerly taking it in, and voicing my own comments and judgments. I don't forward on the information I hear, but that doesn't make what I've done okay.

13 Months

Dear Jenna,
You are now 13 months old. It's amazing how quickly the time goes. This has been such a huge month for you. The day you went to see the doctor for your 12 month appointment was not a happy day. You were so brave and well-behaved. The shots happened at the end, and they completely wiped you out. You ran a bit of a fever, and you were so cuddly. I was sad that you weren't feeling well, but I absolutely love those rare moments that you want to be held and snuggled. Having you take a nap on my chest was fantastic and just made my day. A few days later, you crawled up the stairs (while either Daddy or I stayed right behind you) more than once. You were so proud when you got to the top, but you had no interest in learning how to go back down. And since then, you haven't shown any interest in the stairs again!


We went to visit Grandma and Grandpa over the long Memorial Day weekend. The flight there was good. You were awake a lot, but you were quiet and sat still. Grandma and Grandpa love you like crazy, and you love them, too. You have so much fun at their house, going into town, and seeing new places. You decided that you could move easier on their tile floor by walking on your hands and feet instead of crawling on your knees! Then you decided that walking was fun, as long as you had Grandpa's hand to hold. Eventually, you'd hold my hand or Grandma's hand as well. They gave you a push car, and you absolutely loved pushing it around and around in their family room. You kept busy putting toys in the seat compartment and then taking them all out again!

It was sad to leave their house. We had a great time, and I know it just breaks their hearts to say goodbye to you. Our flight home was really difficult, mostly because we were stuck in a middle seat for the 6 hours on the plane. You were tired, but just couldn't sleep. You were remarkably well-behaved given that situation. It was nice to be home, and you were happy to see Daddy and your doggies again.

You started climbing up the slide at school and playing on top of the toy shelf. I was wondering when you'd be big enough to do that. Apparently you only fell off once, but since you landed on the pad, you weren't hurt, just sad to have lost your balance!

You got bitten by a mosquito 6 times on your forehead while you slept one night. It didn't seem to bother you, which was good. A couple days later, your ear was so red and swollen, it really worried us. Grandma urged us to get you in right away, so we rushed to the clinic. They determined it was probably just a reaction to another mosquito bite, even though we couldn't see a bite on your ear. You had to get a painful antibiotic shot, but once again, you were so brave and strong. You cried, but not for long. The swelling disappeared after a couple days, thank goodness. After 10 days of antibiotics, you seem just fine now.

You rediscovered the fun of your bumbo seat. You love putting lots of toys in it, and then sitting on them all! Then, of course, all the toys must come out. You love sitting in the birdbath that Grandma painted, and you can point to the ladybug, bee, and butterfly when asked.

You walk more than you crawl now, and you started wearing dresses this week. You are so darling in a dress. You are so good at repeating things: clicking your tongue, blowing raspberries, waving bye-bye, blowing kisses, playing peek-a-boo, and saying 'Dada' for Daddy, doggie, ceiling fans, lights, you name it! Maybe next month you'll have mastered Mama!



I love you so much, sweet girl.
Mama

Making amends

What some people may see as baby steps, actually feel more like ginormous bounds for me. I took action today on two relationships that I have been neglecting.

First, I changed my behavior towards my husband. Now I know that neither of us is perfect, even though I often have the mindset that I am smarter, more efficient, and generally 'better' than he is. It's a terrible feeling, but I know that it's up to me to change. I read Dr. Laura's book about marriage. I'm not sure what prompted me to get that book. I don't agree with all of her convictions, but I think there is enough common ground that makes me willing to put her philosophy of nurturing marriage into practice. Instead of pouting and whining that Frank doesn't hug me enough or show his affection the way I want him to, I go up to him and give him a kiss or ask for a hug. In a 'golden rule' twist, I treat him the way he wants to be treated, not the way I want to be treated. Anyway. More on this another time. But truly, it's working.

I reached out to my long-lost best friend by sending her an email today. She and I used to write to each other every single day. Since the births of our children, we've both been busier than ever in our lives. The writing habit fell by the wayside, and before I realized it, we had a huge distance between us. I miss her terribly. I miss living close to her. When I really sit and think about it, I can very quickly get into a funk. A lot of things have changed in my life over the last 5 years, and as much as I sometimes wish to go back to the way things were, I can't. At least not right now. Anyway. When her email response came back this afternoon, it made me so happy. I love being in touch with her again, and the bitter twinge of sadness about missing out on her life for the last few months is motivation enough to make me find time to be a friend again.

So two big steps for one day. I'll call it a good day.

Being objective

Here's something I've thought about since I was pregnant. Is there any mother who doesn't think she has the most wonderful and beautiful child? I'm thinking not. I'm sure we've got that coded in our hearts somehow. Ever since the moment I found out that I was having a baby, I was in love. I enjoyed every moment of pregnancy, and continuously wondered what it would be like to be a mother. I wondered what I would be like as a mother, hoping I'd figure out a way to balance my desire to raise a decent person with wanting to have a great relationship with my child. And the moment I laid eyes on my baby girl, well no one could have ever told me that the love would be deeper than I ever imagined. I had never before seen such a beautiful creature. Every single day I love her more. Even when I think my heart couldn't possibly hold another ounce of love, it somehow finds the room.

I never would have guessed this would happen. When I was young, I remember thinking how unfortunate I was to have parents who were so protective of me and involved in my life. I was determined that when I had a child, I would be such a completely different parent. Now I get it. Everything they did was because they loved me. I only hope my daughter realizes this earlier than I did.

Character

I wonder why physical and mental exhaustion can make someone critical, sensitive, and generally mean. When I'm over-tired, I can sometimes tell when I'm starting fights, nit-picking, or being nasty. As strange as it is, I often have trouble just keeping my mouth shut. I'm aware of what I'm doing and how unproductive it is, yet it's like I can't snap out of it. After the damage is done, I can go back and apologize (if I have the courage to do so). Unfortunately, this doesn't happen till a nice evening has gone sour. When I'm not the tired one, it comes at me from left field when the tables are turned. I'm still not quite sure how to handle this in any kind of decent way.

Is this a character flaw, or is this true character being revealed? I can see it both ways. If it's just an inappropriate way of responding to the electrical impulses coursing through the brain, then it could be corrected with conscious effort. However, if this is a person's true nature, then what?

Something new

I've never been much of one to write down my thoughts. I tried when I was young, but was somewhat discouraged that the locks on my diaries were so easily foiled. After all, What If! My parents could snoop around my room, find it, and read my private thoughts. So my entries were haphazard and surface-skimming at best.

Now, I wonder if I can be more dedicated to writing. Sometimes I find myself losing touch with friends because it's hard to stay consistent. And if you don't stay in regular contact, it just seems to get... hard... to get back into it. I've thought for many months about doing this. Now is the time. I take photos every day to try to remember each day. But the details fade from my memory. I need a better way to keep track of myself, my husband, our daughter, our dogs, our home, our lives.

Here's to a new day.